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March 2018

Love and Acceptance In Your Forties

I wrote this in my private journal yesterday afternoon and felt compelled to share it here in case it might bring comfort, hope, reassurance to someone who is currently in a dark place hoping to get out of it.  Maybe it won't take you as long. It's never too late.

  Accept_forties

It took a really long time to get to this point, most of my teens and twenties, part of my thirties living like this. For many, many years, I hated who I was. I was so insecure, so unhappy. I carried so much anger and sadness. That's what initially drew me to Yoga, hoping it will change me and it did but it didn't come quickly.  It wasn't until I got to my 40s to feel comfortable in my skin - accept every extra pound, every dimple, every scar. To really get to know who I am, what I am made of, and who I am capable of being.  I am strong, beautiful, smart, witty, funny, weird, and open. My silence just means I'm observing, listening, taking it all in. I don't need the attention, I know where my support comes from. We go through the shit we go through so we can look back and at it and say "Oh....that's why." There's something to gain from everything.  I'm still getting used to not being angry or sad all the time. Instead, I'm replacing that energy with yoga and working out - which has saved my life, and saved me from more unnecessary pain. It's opened new opportunities to experience, new people to meet.  I write this now with a heart full of contentment, compassion and acceptance of the person I've become. Looking back at who I used to be with some regret that I let that person carry on that way for so long. Don't worry about the time wasted, I'm looking forward to what the next part of my life has in store - older, wiser, confident, loved.

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Be Willing To Come Apart

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The title of this blog post is the name of Law 2 from 40 Days to Personal Revolution by Baron Baptiste. When I was reviewing this Law/Chapter, I thought "Uh oh!"  I had a feeling I was gonna have to go to a place I didn't want to.

I'm a Type-A personality.   I'm very particular, I plan out everything, and everything needs to be done exact and if a monkey wrench is thrown in, I get frazzled or I just yell "#&@%!!!!!!!!" I used to punch walls until the last wall I punch ended up with a hole in it and poor Mike had to patch it up. 🙁That was embarrassing. The point is, I was never one of those laid back, go with the flow types.   I do feel like that is changing as I get older. 

Getting back to this law I was reading, I really had to look into what was holding me back from being my best self and this aspect of my personality was a part of it.  I can't control every aspect of my life and I can't lose sleep over it anymore.  Ever watch a Control Freak lose their shit? It always happens, because things never go exactly as planned, I know this...but I plan anyway without leaving room for flexibility or change. 

I'm learning that when you start to let go, that is when things start to fall into place.  Last Summer, when I was in the thick of purchasing my first home, I was sooooooo stressed out about everything - when do we close? How much do I need for closing? Can't they just tell me how much I need to close already? I need to be out of my apartment by the end of the month! What if we don't have enough money to pay for everything? This was my entire Summer.  Now I look back and everything went fine and I made myself sick for nothing.

That was a big lesson for me and was something I reflected on during this challenge.  I need to let go. Give up control to heal all the harm I inflicted on myself mentally and emotionally.  Let go of expectations and be open to what can happen.   Stop trying to make things happen but instead allow things to happen. I'm opening myself up to opportunities now that a month ago, I would not have considered (more on that in another post).    There are other things going on right now that have been unexpected and pretty upsetting but this new outlook is helping me get through it.  All of this recent self-reflection has totally shifted my way to looking at how I live life and the type of impact I want to leave on others.  

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